(Side note: cheers to me for posting two days in a row! 🙀)
When I became a mom I had this picturesque notion that I had at least 18ish months until I would be dealing with full fledged tantrums. I’m here to let all the readers know, I was wrong. I was devastatingly wrong.
At almost 10 months, we are now dealing with 5-10 tantrums a day. Let me reiterate…I had no freaking idea babies her age threw tantrums! So, I did what any other good, millennial mom would do. I Googled it 🙏🏼
The Google gods state that baby tantrums differ from toddler tantrums and they shouldn’t be handled in the same way. From what I gathered, baby tantrums arise out of a surge of emotion or frustration from not being able to move where said baby wishes or communicate wants or needs. (Insert mental dialogue: “Well shit. There is literally nothing I can do but continue guessing what she wants and help her ride the emotional roller coaster.”)
Folks I am here to tell you, this is hard and I am struggling. Today we tried repeatedly offering snacks, drinks, cuddles, and every toy in the house. I’d like to say I’m figuring her out but she’s like an entirely different person the older she gets. I love watching her evolve but girl is gonna give momma a drinking problem (as in coffee).
On a positive note, she learned where her nose is and how to point to it today. That’s a win, right?
I haven’t been as dedicated as I told myself I would be. I tried to be strict about writing on a regular basis but it’s fallen by the wayside. Mom life is definitely coming easier but I’m still struggling to grasp back onto “me”. I feel like I’ve lost a large part of my personality since becoming a mom.
Since I’ve been trying to climb out of this hole I’ve dove head first into crafts, fitness, and excessive Pinteresting. It’s unhealthy how much I’m on Pinterest and let me be clear…I am NOT a Pinterest mom (lol).
Some days I spend 3+ hours supervising free play from my recliner while I Pinterest things I wish I could be doing. I’m not even sure what I hope to accomplish by writing about this but maybe if another mom stumbles across this post and can relate to this numbness I feel, maybe she’ll feel relieved that she’s not alone. Maybe she’ll feel enough sunshine to climb out of her own hole.
I feel like my loss of concrete purpose is to blame. I’m no longer in school, no longer working, and I have no long term goals anymore. So, I’m just wandering…that’s the only thing I can equate it to. I suppose I’ll continue searching for my fleeing wit and work on being present. After all, that’s all any of us can guarantee.
The history of the struggle bus goes way back for this girl. My husband used to call me “Murphy” as in Murphy’s Law when we were in high school. At times, I’ve also been called “Grace” as an ironic nod to my clumsiness 🙄. It seems that every single day has a moment where I just have to sigh and say “seriously?!?” in reference to my unfortunate circumstances.
For instance, this week alone, my car was hit in a Hobby Lobby parking lot hit & run, my baby is teething and an absolute monster, and my dog puked enough to fill a football stadium and almost died. (She’s fine now btw…the dog. The baby is definitely still moody)
I suppose the point in me complaining about this nonsense is to demonstrate the constant knot in my stomach that is my life. This blog has become somewhat cathartic for my stress but I feel like I need to break this string of bad luck somehow. I mean, was I just a shitty person in a past life? What the hell? If anyone that stumbles across this post has any thoughts on ways to attract positivity, please share. Until then, I’m going to try every superstition, horoscope, rabbit’s foot, and four leaf clover to make me feel less like a chronic hot mess.
Perhaps the postpartum hormones are a little out of balance. Perhaps I’m just returning to my bitchy baseline. Maybe, I’m depressed. I’ve just been dwelling, quite extensively, on what all the crap we stress ourselves out over will mean in a year, ten years, when we’re in a nursing home. Who the hell cares if we get that next bonus? Our grandkids sure as heck won’t give a damn. They won’t care how much we had in our bank account, which Iphone we owned, or who we “networked” with at our work parties.
I just…can’t buy into the hooplah of the busy life we’re supposed to be sold on these days. Where is the emphasis on camping, running barefoot, and hugging the ones we care for. As a mother, I think it’s important to reflect on the slower way of life and not rush our little ones into this chaotic world we live in. I may still be constructing the framework of how I intend to do so, but I felt the impulse to share my feelings so they won’t weigh on my soul so heavily. I see so many moms trying to be the “IT” mommy. I just wish I could log on and see more individuals that were truly INDIVIDUAL.