As you can see it’s been a hot minute since I last posted. I think I needed a break from life to let my mental state recuperate. I haven’t really been doing anything outside of taking care of the sweet little one and spending time with my husband. I did, however, quit my job. Aside from a few loose ends, I just decided it was time to move on. I’ve never felt better about leaving an opportunity. It was just too far away from my passions and it was draining me. I couldn’t be a good mom when all I could think about what the dread I felt for work.
So from there, I’m not sure what my next move is. I’m currently working on my real estate license and just kind of enjoying life. I’d like to find more outlets to be creative and work with my hands. I find that I’m happiest when I can create things.
I suppose the point in sharing all of this is to illustrate how important mental health is in relation to parenting. I needed to “reset” for the sake of my daughter. Since taking the step back, I’ve realized I was selling myself short and it was hurting both of us. I’m so grateful my husband has a job that allows me to kind of retreat inward from time to time. I just want other moms to know it’s okay to not have a 9-5 CAREER. It’s okay to not buy into the rushing around lifestyle. Some people, introverts especially, need that downtime to re-energize and discover themselves again. Life is too short to stay in the career you hate just because being busy is glamorized.
So it’s been a while since I posted and I could lie and I could lie and say I’ve just been having a wonderful time with my baby and I’ve been enjoying motherhood. However I’ll spare you from that. The truth is, I’ve been struggling to write this because it comes from a dark place. For the last month I’ve been navigating through symptoms of depression and intense anxiety. I’ve always experienced anxiety and I suppose you could just say I was “high functioning”. Now, however, it is debilitating.
Parenting with anxiety is exhausting. My baby is what some may refer to as “high intensity”. Some days her cries feel like the stings of a hot cattle iron on my brain. I know she’s not intentionally doing this but as someone that absolutely needs quiet time to recharge, it is sometimes too much to cope with. I love her. I love her so much it consumes all of me. So dealing with the frustration I feel and the absolute admiration for her is confusing at times.
Along with intensifying anxiety, I’ve also noticed some depression creeping in. Recently, I haven’t wanted to leave the house. I’m angry 90% of the time. I no longer enjoy my favorite pastimes. With a background in psychology, these red flags are obviously alarming. The realization that I’m probably dealing with postpartum depression hit me like a wave. I remember the panic I felt as I called my mom to vent the issues I had been facing. She worries for me now and I don’t blame her. I’m very isolated because I live 600+ miles away from any family.
I suppose I’m coping a little better now. I’ve been trying at least. The main reason I’m sharing this now is because of some slim hope that it may help someone else. If someone is feeling this way, I want them to know they aren’t a horrible person. It’s entirely possible to love your baby and still feel these things. I see you. You can feel better. Please practice some self love when you can. Take that walk alone. Paint your nails. Enjoy that coffee. You deserve it and so does your little one.