I haven’t been as dedicated as I told myself I would be. I tried to be strict about writing on a regular basis but it’s fallen by the wayside. Mom life is definitely coming easier but I’m still struggling to grasp back onto “me”. I feel like I’ve lost a large part of my personality since becoming a mom.
Since I’ve been trying to climb out of this hole I’ve dove head first into crafts, fitness, and excessive Pinteresting. It’s unhealthy how much I’m on Pinterest and let me be clear…I am NOT a Pinterest mom (lol).
Some days I spend 3+ hours supervising free play from my recliner while I Pinterest things I wish I could be doing. I’m not even sure what I hope to accomplish by writing about this but maybe if another mom stumbles across this post and can relate to this numbness I feel, maybe she’ll feel relieved that she’s not alone. Maybe she’ll feel enough sunshine to climb out of her own hole.
I feel like my loss of concrete purpose is to blame. I’m no longer in school, no longer working, and I have no long term goals anymore. So, I’m just wandering…that’s the only thing I can equate it to. I suppose I’ll continue searching for my fleeing wit and work on being present. After all, that’s all any of us can guarantee.
So it’s been a while since I posted and I could lie and I could lie and say I’ve just been having a wonderful time with my baby and I’ve been enjoying motherhood. However I’ll spare you from that. The truth is, I’ve been struggling to write this because it comes from a dark place. For the last month I’ve been navigating through symptoms of depression and intense anxiety. I’ve always experienced anxiety and I suppose you could just say I was “high functioning”. Now, however, it is debilitating.
Parenting with anxiety is exhausting. My baby is what some may refer to as “high intensity”. Some days her cries feel like the stings of a hot cattle iron on my brain. I know she’s not intentionally doing this but as someone that absolutely needs quiet time to recharge, it is sometimes too much to cope with. I love her. I love her so much it consumes all of me. So dealing with the frustration I feel and the absolute admiration for her is confusing at times.
Along with intensifying anxiety, I’ve also noticed some depression creeping in. Recently, I haven’t wanted to leave the house. I’m angry 90% of the time. I no longer enjoy my favorite pastimes. With a background in psychology, these red flags are obviously alarming. The realization that I’m probably dealing with postpartum depression hit me like a wave. I remember the panic I felt as I called my mom to vent the issues I had been facing. She worries for me now and I don’t blame her. I’m very isolated because I live 600+ miles away from any family.
I suppose I’m coping a little better now. I’ve been trying at least. The main reason I’m sharing this now is because of some slim hope that it may help someone else. If someone is feeling this way, I want them to know they aren’t a horrible person. It’s entirely possible to love your baby and still feel these things. I see you. You can feel better. Please practice some self love when you can. Take that walk alone. Paint your nails. Enjoy that coffee. You deserve it and so does your little one.