(Side note: cheers to me for posting two days in a row! 🙀)
When I became a mom I had this picturesque notion that I had at least 18ish months until I would be dealing with full fledged tantrums. I’m here to let all the readers know, I was wrong. I was devastatingly wrong.
At almost 10 months, we are now dealing with 5-10 tantrums a day. Let me reiterate…I had no freaking idea babies her age threw tantrums! So, I did what any other good, millennial mom would do. I Googled it 🙏🏼
The Google gods state that baby tantrums differ from toddler tantrums and they shouldn’t be handled in the same way. From what I gathered, baby tantrums arise out of a surge of emotion or frustration from not being able to move where said baby wishes or communicate wants or needs. (Insert mental dialogue: “Well shit. There is literally nothing I can do but continue guessing what she wants and help her ride the emotional roller coaster.”)
Folks I am here to tell you, this is hard and I am struggling. Today we tried repeatedly offering snacks, drinks, cuddles, and every toy in the house. I’d like to say I’m figuring her out but she’s like an entirely different person the older she gets. I love watching her evolve but girl is gonna give momma a drinking problem (as in coffee).
On a positive note, she learned where her nose is and how to point to it today. That’s a win, right?
I haven’t been as dedicated as I told myself I would be. I tried to be strict about writing on a regular basis but it’s fallen by the wayside. Mom life is definitely coming easier but I’m still struggling to grasp back onto “me”. I feel like I’ve lost a large part of my personality since becoming a mom.
Since I’ve been trying to climb out of this hole I’ve dove head first into crafts, fitness, and excessive Pinteresting. It’s unhealthy how much I’m on Pinterest and let me be clear…I am NOT a Pinterest mom (lol).
Some days I spend 3+ hours supervising free play from my recliner while I Pinterest things I wish I could be doing. I’m not even sure what I hope to accomplish by writing about this but maybe if another mom stumbles across this post and can relate to this numbness I feel, maybe she’ll feel relieved that she’s not alone. Maybe she’ll feel enough sunshine to climb out of her own hole.
I feel like my loss of concrete purpose is to blame. I’m no longer in school, no longer working, and I have no long term goals anymore. So, I’m just wandering…that’s the only thing I can equate it to. I suppose I’ll continue searching for my fleeing wit and work on being present. After all, that’s all any of us can guarantee.
As you can see it’s been a hot minute since I last posted. I think I needed a break from life to let my mental state recuperate. I haven’t really been doing anything outside of taking care of the sweet little one and spending time with my husband. I did, however, quit my job. Aside from a few loose ends, I just decided it was time to move on. I’ve never felt better about leaving an opportunity. It was just too far away from my passions and it was draining me. I couldn’t be a good mom when all I could think about what the dread I felt for work.
So from there, I’m not sure what my next move is. I’m currently working on my real estate license and just kind of enjoying life. I’d like to find more outlets to be creative and work with my hands. I find that I’m happiest when I can create things.
I suppose the point in sharing all of this is to illustrate how important mental health is in relation to parenting. I needed to “reset” for the sake of my daughter. Since taking the step back, I’ve realized I was selling myself short and it was hurting both of us. I’m so grateful my husband has a job that allows me to kind of retreat inward from time to time. I just want other moms to know it’s okay to not have a 9-5 CAREER. It’s okay to not buy into the rushing around lifestyle. Some people, introverts especially, need that downtime to re-energize and discover themselves again. Life is too short to stay in the career you hate just because being busy is glamorized.
1. “You’re sleepy. Why wont’t you just take the nap?”
2. “Take the f#%*!~g nap…sweet child.”
3. “God, I’m an awful mom for cussing at my kid. Even if it was in my head 😣”
4. (To stranger) “DO NOT touch my baby’s head. She is asleep. Move along.”
5. “Great, you woke her up. Now I have to murder you.”
6. “Is this normal?!?”
7. “When’s the last time my husband changed a damn diaper???”
8. “I might as well just change it. At least she won’t have a blowout if I do it.”
9. “When will I get to go to a movie again?”
10. “It’s totally fine. Elena of Avalor is quality entertainment.”
11. “All my hair is falling out. Maybe I should just chop it.”
12. “But then I’ll have a mom haircut.”
13. “I feel less like an adult now. Why do I have a child? I can barely feed myself as it is.”
14. (To doctor) “Don’t ask me where she’s sleeping I will lieeeee like a sleepy hound dog.”
15. “I love you little sweetie. I love you so much I could just eat your face 😘”
Perhaps the postpartum hormones are a little out of balance. Perhaps I’m just returning to my bitchy baseline. Maybe, I’m depressed. I’ve just been dwelling, quite extensively, on what all the crap we stress ourselves out over will mean in a year, ten years, when we’re in a nursing home. Who the hell cares if we get that next bonus? Our grandkids sure as heck won’t give a damn. They won’t care how much we had in our bank account, which Iphone we owned, or who we “networked” with at our work parties.
I just…can’t buy into the hooplah of the busy life we’re supposed to be sold on these days. Where is the emphasis on camping, running barefoot, and hugging the ones we care for. As a mother, I think it’s important to reflect on the slower way of life and not rush our little ones into this chaotic world we live in. I may still be constructing the framework of how I intend to do so, but I felt the impulse to share my feelings so they won’t weigh on my soul so heavily. I see so many moms trying to be the “IT” mommy. I just wish I could log on and see more individuals that were truly INDIVIDUAL.